How can a person live among a million people and still feel lonely? How can someone be married with a family and feel all alone? Or how can one go through a pandemic, isolated at home for over a year, with barely any human connection, and feel neither alone nor loneliness? A topic that has come up several times over the last few weeks, and this is what I have discovered.
One of my favorite teachers and experts on addiction, depression, and anxiety, Johann Hari, teaches that a deep need for connection is one of the roots of all these human afflictions. Connection to what? One might say connection to a like-minded community, family of origin, or an intimate partner. But experts like Johann teach us that lasting connection begins with self. Could this also be the secret to healing loneliness and aloneness? I think that it is true.
The Buddha said very clearly that home is in us and that there is an island that you must go back to-- the island of self. This is a practice, not just a theory.
What does coming back to the island of self mean? And when did we leave that island? Perhaps many of us accidentally discovered this throughout the pandemic when there was nothing else to do but just to be. Where we found comfort in the discomfort of not knowing what the future was to hold and our familiar coping tools were not available.
In these times of uncertainty, many of us became highly aware of the feelings of fear, isolation, anxiety, and anger. The more we tried to resist or loath them, the more they seemed to cling on.
Eventually, we surrendered with nothing to do but befriend those feelings. They dined with us; we took them for a walk in nature and invited them to read a book on the sofa. We went to bed with them and greeted them again at sunrise, and maybe noticed that they started to feel less suffocating and less invasive after a period of time.
If you tried to numb them with food, drink, and technology, you might have found that suppressing the discomfort only worked temporarily until the high wore off―leaving you feeling even more isolated and burdened.
According to beloved Thích Nhất Hạnh who was a Vietnamese Thiền Buddhist monk, the secret to feeling less loneliness is to learn how to be comfortable with all the parts of oneself. Find ways to soothe our discomfort through compassion and kindness.
In other words, neither avoiding nor punishing the uncomfortable feelings and emotions―instead learning to befriend them and care for them as you would a child or a pet who wasn't feeling well.
This is a great prescription for curing loneliness and building healthy relationships and connections with others, a key to intimacy – a deep heart connection.
And then there is the feeling of being alone. Can a person feel alone even if they have a partner, friends, and family? The answer is yes.
Someone recently shared with me this exact feeling while caring for her aging parent. And although she had siblings, a husband, and children, no one seemed to be there to help.
Or there was the person who experienced a serious medical condition, meeting with doctors and treatments all alone, even though they had a partner.
Nothing highlighted the feeling of aloneness more than when witnessing others in the waiting room with their loved ones.
Both examples are reasons to pause and to inquire within. Could the reality of these situations be because the people in their lives simply do not have the willingness or capacity to support them? That could very well be true. Or could it also be that the person who is feeling all alone sports the t-shirt or the tattoo that says, "don't worry―I got this"! Both could lead to living and facing life all alone.
So, are you feeling loneliness or alone? Which of these resonates most with you? Do you struggle with finding comfort in spending time by yourself? Do you consistently fill empty slots with mindless activities, things, and people to avoid spending time with just you and the uncomfortable emotions?
And if you are feeling alone in life, is it because you do not have the quality individuals in your life that can help and support you? Or have you taught others how to treat you? Leading them to believe that you don't need help, you are strong and capable enough to do it alone?
Here are some suggestions to help you through these feelings
Meditation and mindfulness practices are most certainly beneficial tools for learning to go inward and experience inner peace.
Observe your feelings and emotions as they come and go, just like the weather. And remember, a good night's sleep can offer a completely different perspective the next day.
Self-inquiry through journaling can be very insightful and helpful. Journaling can help articulate your feelings and emotions. It is also a gentle way to become intimate with your own heart.
Look for the helpers. Sometimes people in our lives can not offer the help we need. The sooner you accept that realization the sooner you can begin looking for those that can.
Consider these questions: Who would you be if you weren't the hero? Or, more importantly, who are you afraid to be? The answer to these holds lots of inner wisdom… let the answer guide your next step.
Be compassionate with yourself. No amount of self-criticism or punishment will help solve your feelings of loneliness, connection, and support. Love is the answer.
"Root out the violence in your life, and learn to live compassionately and mindfully. Seek peace. When you have peace within, real peace with others is possible."
― Thich Nhat Hanh